Beast Lair - Learn Chinese In 5 Minutes

Ahhh... Hello there. So, you want to learn to speak Chinese, eh? Well then you are in luck, my friend. We have spent almost half an hour preparing this article, making it our most time-consuming production yet. The following lesson has been prepared by Professor Simon Gee, who's infamous teachings have been marveled by universities and institutions worldwide. We personally guarantee* that you will become fluent in Chinese within only 5 minutes. Whenever you're ready feel free to begin the first lesson.

Professor Simon Gee
WONTON University
Beijing, China

* worthless, without value, not a guarantee

WARM UP — SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN EACH OF THESE LANGUAGES
LANGUAGES FOR "I LOVE YOU"

English
Spanish
French
German
Japanese
Italian
Swedish
Chinese
I Love You
Te Amo
Je T'aime
Ich Liebe Dich
Ai Shite Imasu
Ti Amo
Jag Alskar Dig
Wo Ai Ni

COMPREHENSIVE DRILL — SAY THE CHINESE TRANSLATION OUTLOUD
ENGLISH VERSION CHINESE TRANSLATION

Are you harboring a fugitive?
See me ASAP
Stupid Man
Small Horse
I bumped into a coffee table
I think you need a facelift
It's very dark in here
This was an unauthorized execution
I thought you were on a diet
This is a tow away zone
You are not very bright
I got this for free
I am not guilty
They have arrived
Stay out of sight
He's cleaning his automobile
Your body odor is offensive
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
Kum Hia Nao
Dum Gai
Tai Ni Po Ni
Ai Bang Mai Ni
Chin Tu Fat
Wai So Dim?
Lin Ching
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
No Pah King
Yu So Dum
Ai No Pei
Wai Hang Mi?
Hia Dei Kum
Lei Lo
Wa Shing Ka
Yu Stin Ki Pu

FINAL DRILL — TRANSLATE THE FOLLOWING CHARACTERS
Chinese Characters
IF YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLE TRANSLATING THE CHARACTERS, TRY TILTING YOUR HEAD TO THE RIGHT.